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FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

 ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 11 – SCRAMBLING YOUR PAIN

 Too many times it becomes tough to unmask a spouse who is in pains because their physical manifestation either looks like a virtue that looks commendable while the person is actually dying inside. Sometimes pains may manifest in the following ways;

• Getting involved in so many activities that makes the person really appear zealous and dependable
• Giving oneself fully to a task that you never rest or relax. This may appear as being a workaholic but could be masking inner pain that is yet to be confronted
• Seeking to correct everyone at all times once their wrong is spotted such that you look like the one who can make everything right
• Inability to stand those who are too playful and consistently calling them to get very serious. Sometimes while on the surface this looks like you are trying to get people focused truth is that their play often reminds you of what life stole from you or what you...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 10

Pain is real and we can’t wish it away or pretend it doesn’t exist.

The subcoscious part of the human man chronicles a record of everything that has happened to us since we were born and they are all stored using the meaning we ascribed to it at the time they happened.

Your mind has got what looks like different faculties with similar information stored in the category they belong. For example every happy perceived happy moment is stored in your bliss channel while every perceived sad moment is stored in your horror movie channel. Every perceived relaxation is stored in your serenity channel and so on.

The amazing thing about our mind however is that it doesn’t know the difference between what is simulated and what is real. Which means sometime when you see a movie or listen to a story that involves the pains of others your mind can interpret it as your pain and store in your horror channel. If you don’t...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

 ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 9

2. PAIN HACK

The second area you must check out for in your spouse to prevent an accidental spouse is the pains they have been through and what they have done about the pain.

I am sure you must be familiar with the quote ‘Hurting people hurt others’. It holds so true in 7 out of every 10 cases.

Not many can relate the crisis in their relationships to their past pains that they have not fully overcome and this is often due to the fact that we have no structured system to assist people overcome pains. The concept of seeing a therapist or a certified family life professional is still new across Africa so people often consider it a sign of vulnerability to go pour out their heart to a professional to get help.

 The other factor here is the role religious organizations have played in the apathy towards professional counseling. While there has been tremendous improvements with many churches embracing...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 8 - REDISCOVERING YOUR HUMANITY 

When the humanity of a person is compromised it is almost impossible for that person to live as a healthy human being because such will develop a world view that he/she would assume is the only world view that exist and sentiments will take the place of rational thinking.

For example I have worked in therapy with loads of people who talk supernatural but have never explored the natural because they have been wrongly taught that there is something wrong with being natural. They forget that super is the extra on the natural which is why they can be highly religious yet unable to effectively relate with the next man.

Somehow the concept of supernatural makes them believe they are immune to what others go through yet their daily reality shows them something is fundamentally wrong which they would rather die than address. The highest expression of supernatural is LOVE for God...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 7 - ARE YOU STILL HUMAN? 

‘An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity’

Martin Luther King, Jr.

News flash: Hurricane Matthew kills 19 people in US, flooding in North Carolina

What is your internal response?

Did you feel indifference or your heart skipped a little because you could literally feel the pain of those who lost someone dear and those that lost their properties?

Did you simply thank God for keeping you away from such zone & move on with your life as if those killed were not human beings?

Often times we brag about our love for others but when opportunities present itself to express love we display our true reality of lack of concern for humanity and exactly that same pattern or thought process is behind domestic violence, adultery & other reasons responsible for marital...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF 

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 6

The late Nelson Mandela once said that if evil can be taught it then means good can be taught.

A child comes into this world with a clean slate but the world he grows into installs diverse programs into him that eventually shapes him into something else.

No one was born with anger and none was born with violence and terrorism. None was born with sex addiction and no one came here with mediocrity.

Every bad behavior was learnt or in my words installed by everyone in your history that your "system" was vulnerable to.

I sometimes study the beauty and the beast of the world and marvel at how terrorists find their way into marriages and produce children and I wonder who those children would grow up to become?

I also observe and wonder the mentality kids born in war thorn nations would grow up to have and the kind of spouse they would turn out to be.

We are human beings not human things and the tenets that guides our...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF 

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 5

Tip 1: HUMANITY CHECK – I have met loads of highly religious people but I am not sure I have interfaced with too many human beings whose humanity is still intact and hasn’t been tampered with in the last few years and that includes me.

Sadly, we have taught people over time that they need to change religion for them to be sane but what we have failed to do is to examine the damage that has been done to their humanity and find a way to get it restored.

- Why would a human being look at another being and feel superior to that being on the basis of gender, race or religion?

- Why would an adult perpetually find it difficult to take a decision unless he gets approval from another adult?

- Why would a husband hit his wife simply because she doesn’t agree with him & attribute it to the devil?

- Why would someone talk down others or talk to people anyhow because he/she feels He/she has authority over them?

-...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF 

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE – 4

I invested 6hours with a group of top executives in a particular sector 2days ago  and it was fun sharing all I have learnt over the years with these amazing people but it also brought to the fore the fact that loads of people are faking things when marriage actually died a long time ago.  One thing that stood out for all of them was how nobody actually asked them why they wanted to marry? It just felt natural to do once they got a job only to get in and see the gaps created by the questions they never asked/.  

How does a man marry a woman & stifle her growth or forbid her from fully expressing her potentials because of his own insecurity that masks itself as care for the family? A lot of women are depressed at the moment simply because their flights have been compromised by men who seek to clip their wings yet society have counseled that they set up a ‘war room’ as if that room is a magical...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE - 3

Until there is a clear purpose for getting married that requires the rest of your life to achieve as a team, every marital challenge provides an opportunity to press the exit button. If the reward for staying married for 40years is that the whole of China would be handed over to you as your property what will you do differently?

Why did you marry your spouse or what do you want to marry?

Unfortunately people's reasons are mostly selfish. While that may not be a problem to them it becomes evident that they married the other person for themselves based on their preconceived notion of the role they figured out the person should perform in their lives without seeking to discover what's most important to this person and seek to find a way to help him/her achieve it.

The idea that someone's dream must be sacrificed for the other person's dream to be fully realized is one of the major causes of depression globally but it masks itself as...

FAMILY LIFE TODAY with PF

ACCIDENTAL SPOUSE  - 2 (WHY DID YOU MARRY)? 

In 18years of working with troubled relationships I have heard all sorts in counseling room that makes it easy to decipher why couples struggle about what should have been avoided.

Often times we have presented marriage as the ultimate state of life thereby putting unnecessary pressure on singles who have been badly engineered. How well can someone with an abusive past sustain a marriage when that abuse has not been well handled?

I can tell you for free that 9 out of every 10 couple I have worked with have never been able to satisfactorily answer the question "Why did you marry" and most of my clients never have a marital vision when they show up for their sessions.

I have heard some men tell me they married because they have always longed for someone to take care of the home front. You already know that man never needed a wife; what he wanted was a house keeper.

Another told me he married because he...